Vinyl: Derek & Clive Live

Artist: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore (aka Derek & Clive)
Owned on digital media: No
Want to replace: Good question

So we arrive at "D" in our occasional journey through my old vinyl collection and happen across this oddity from 1976. My list originally had "no" in the 'want to replace' flag, but while researching what to write about it I found the track list on Wikipedia. Even that was enough to make me chuckle.

There's no getting away from the fact that I'm still singing the whole of "Jump" at any suitable opportunity (and quite a few unsuitable ones) to this day - 35 years on - and there are other tracks similarly dear to my heart that crop up in conversation from time to time, such as Squatter and the Ant.

Any description of mine concerning the actual content of this album is either totally superfluous or liable to get me in trouble with the Blogger police, so I'll leave those of you unfamiliar with Derek & Clive to your own research. Suffice to say that finally, following links from the original Wikipedia article to the second instalment in the D&C catalogue (Derek & Clive Come Again - which I never owned but listened to several times at various mates' houses), the track list made me laugh out loud. I think it's a fair bet that I will be replacing this one at some stage. It's clear that my toilet humour is still alive and well somewhere under this thin veneer of sophistication (*cough*).

Reject!

I sent a partial. It came back. Although I usually get form rejections with no requests for material (we're busy, we're not taking on new clients, it's not really what we're looking for. This last despite my carefully researching all the agents and ONLY querying the ones who say they take what I've written), this is now the third partial I've sent out which has eventually come back (months later, on account of agents being incredibly busy people) with the same message. Basically, we love the idea but we "just didn't fall in love with your writing" or words to that effect.

And they're right. Really. With the perspective of the almost three years since I finished the manuscript and the experience of those three (main) rejections in my pocket, I admit that the first 30-50% of the book is nowhere near as good as the last half.

It's not a good place to be, but it's hardly surprising. It took me seven years to write and I was a better writer at the end than I was at the beginning. Not surprising, no, but no excuse either. I finished the book, but then I supposedly revised it half-a-dozen times. But each of those six times was cosmetic surgery when what was really required was amputation. Ditch the chunks that don't work. For God's sake if you're going to have ANY parts that don't hang together very well, don't put them at the beginning! Duh!

While I'm baring my artistic soul, I should also admit that it's two stories jockeying for ascendancy. There's the headline story, and then there's the thinly-disguised personal catharsis. You probably heard that a fair percentage of first novels are at least partly autobiographical. I think this one could happily ditch that second, struggling, semi-autobiographical story, along with 20,000 words or so, and emerge leaner, fitter and with a better chance of publication.

Guess I'm going to have to grit my teeth, dust it off and rewrite that first chunk if I've to have any hope of it ever seeing the world. >sigh<

All the world's a carpet

Well, all the stairs anyway. And the landing.

Yes, the stair carpet arrived this morning as expected, and fitting completed inside two hours. I know there's a knack to fitting carpets, and obviously it's one that can be taught, but it still looks like magic to me. A very nice job they made of it too, with a complete avoidance of the type of problems we had with the other lot. Carpet was the right size, they didn't forget the underlay, etc.

So here's how it looks, and I couldn't be more pleased. As a handy side-effect the carpet muffles the last few remaining creaks (stair fitters did a reasonable job of screwing and gluing the bits they didn't replace, but there were still a couple of squeaky treads) as well as looking good and feeling very comfy underfoot. Luxury!

More spooking

Last night was a bumper crop as far as "significant times" goes.

Bathroom visit time: 3.21
Next wake-up time check: 4.44

I began to wonder whether this would be one of those occasions where things come in threes, but when I did eventually get up, it wasn't at a 'notable' time.

Bargains and hot new music

Had one of those marketing emails from Amazon, or Play, or HMV (frankly, they arrive so frequently that they all blend into one) this morning entitled, rather breathlessly, "bargains and hot new music."

The first linked entry in the body of the email? Simon & Garfunkel's Greatest Hits.

Well at that price it wasn't a bargain, and I hardly think it qualifies as "hot new music" either, with a release date of 1972 :-\

Diamond geezer

Fresh from the completion of the stair refurb, we were keen to get them carpeted as soon as. The garish red-and-white stripes which we've lived with for 4+ years seemed even less appealing now they were surrounded on all sides by that lovely new oak.

After the fiasco of the front bedroom carpet last year we decided to keep it local, and set off this afternoon for a jaunt to Diamond Millennium carpets which, as we soon discovered, is no longer situated in the rather seedy looking shed opposite Chorlton Park, but has moved to much more salubrious accommodation closer to the cemetery (and, in this incarnation, has employed a sign writer who knows how to spell 'millennium').

We couldn't have been in the shop more than ten minutes before we happened across a remnant in the colour we were looking for, and were assured by the friendly and helpful owner that it would be more than big enough. This soon turned into one of those "too good to be true" moments, as we scoured the showroom for something that fitted our needs more closely. Surely it can't be as easy as this? Half an hour of looking, deep contemplation and talking around the subject later, we finally decided that at that price, if we didn't like it once it was fitted, we'd rip it out and buy another! Yes, the deal was THAT good.

Fitting has been arranged for Friday.

Stairway to heaven

Refurbishment of the stairs started promptly as planned on Tuesday morning shortly after 8am.

I say "refurbishment" rather than "replacement" deliberately, as we're not having the entire staircase replaced. This particular company don't do that in any case, but it would have been (a) far too expensive - more than double what we eventually paid - and (b) unnecessary, as the main carcase is still sound. The bits we don't like are the more visible and slightly less structural items, like newel posts, rails and spindles. As it happens, these guys also work on the external and internal stringers, but only to encase them in new wood, rather than replace them entirely.

The project stretched beyond the original estimates of either the designer (a full day, maybe two) or the surveyor (definitely two days, possibly a few hours on a third day), which was strange because when it was booked in, they said they had two other jobs to do the same week. During a break in proceedings on the first day - with all the hand rails sawn off and only two of the original newel posts still in place - one of the joiners admitted that they "never do these in less than three days" and in the end, for one reason or another, one of them had to come back for an hour or so this morning for some finishing touches.

Still, the end result is definitely worth it. You'll have to wait for pics until a carpet has been chosen and fitted. The original stairs were painted red and white, and since they're the only bit that remains unchanged they don't really set off the lovely warm oak to its best advantage!

New newels a-coming

Our mental schedule had the new stairs being fitted after May Bank Holiday, so it was a surprise to receive a phone call last week to say all the "product" was ready and they had a fitting appointment free next week.

Fortunately I'd been pressing on with the decorating so that we would stand a chance of being ready whenever they were, and the intervening weekend gave ample time to complete the last phase of the painting - the top coat on the woodwork (at least around the stairs area) - before the joiners arrive on Tuesday.

I set to yesterday morning with a brand new tin of Dulux Satinwood - my "gloss" of choice for many years owing to its classy satin finish, but by teatime I was beginning to worry that it was taking an awfully long time to dry. A tentative touch in an out-of-the-way corner gave a surprising result: it was dry already. Dry and glossy. Not what we wanted at all.

At first I thought Dulux had suffered a manufacturing wobbler and packaged regular gloss in a Satinwood tin, but as usual Google is your friend, and a quick search threw up several references to DIY and professional decorator forums where everyone was bemoaning the new paint mix - light on volatile organics as per new EU regulations, and consequently taking much longer to dry out properly than it used to.

"Don't worry," wrote one professional long-time user of Satinwood, "you'll see the difference after 24 hours, but it can take a couple of weeks before the satin effect is completely there."

Sure enough this morning the high gloss sheen is already toned down a couple of notches. Phew.

Greek Night

As regular readers will know, we have a tradition of "safari nights" on our street where we journey from house to house for each course of an n-course meal (depending on the number of houses involved in that particular safari). Each one has a different theme, tonight's being Greek.

As you'll have seen earlier this week, tonight's safari was only organised last Friday, so we've not had long to arrange a costume. I was thwarted at every turn, as I wanted to do something a bit more original than a draped sheet (no offence to draped sheets, or those who wear them!) but every costume I found was either out of stock or not available in my size.

Until I found this. Which gave me the idea I was looking for, and was do-able in the time remaining. Especially since we still had a large cardboard box lying around from the last flat-pack furniture delivery which was the perfect size for the top and bottom plinth.

Cannibalising an old fitted sheet sufficed for the both the column (with Nat's help to spray-on some suitably Doric fluting) and the drapery around the "bust", white body paint turned my exposed body parts to stone and the whole thing was topped off with a "gold leaf" laurel from an online costumier.

Here's the final result.

With a little more time and thought I could probably have made a better job but even so I was quite pleased with it, and the surprise (or even shock in some cases) of the arriving guests was well worth the effort. I chose to stand over in a corner, unmoving, until each group of guests realised it was me.

Walking was somewhat hampered, and sitting impossible, so once everyone had enjoyed the full effect (i.e. shortly after we arrived at the second house) I removed the bottom half of the costume, but remained in "bust mode" for much of the rest of the evening, even though it made negotiating doorways... interesting. Chalk up (haha!) another successful safari night, with buckets of stifado, moussaka and ouzo thrown in. Brilliant.

Statue of liberty

The liberty being our neighbours - Torsten & Keith - who are shortly to depart these shores for a new life in Portugal. The statue being my chosen costume for the forthcoming Greek-themed safari night in honour of their leaving, for which we had less than a week's notice. It's happening on Friday, and I'm trying to pull together a statue costume in time.

Thank God for Internet shopping, rapid order fulfilment, and first class post. My body paint arrived today (successfully tested for wear, smudging, washability and skin reaction) and I'm hopeful that the laurel wreath will arrive tomorrow. The rest is all bodged together from old cardboard boxes, sprayed with B&Q project paint, and an old fitted sheet that was surplus to requirements.

First stage assembly of the top and bottom plinths of a mock-Doric column was completed today. Now I just have to figure out the best way of spray-painting the fluting on the column and I'm all set.

The last coat...

...is in sight.

For today, a bonus: I finished before 2.30pm. Second coat of undercoat on the front door (that's the last of the undercoating) and cutting in the second emulsion coat on walls and ceiling, leaving only the rolling to do. That'll be a quick job, so I'm on track for an early finish tomorrow too :o)

Another thing that came to mind as I carefully cut in around the dado rails and skirting: this job marks the final demise of the rag-rolled flame-effect colours that used to dominate the whole house; a legacy of the previous owners. Flame yellow in the dining room, orange and red in the living room, blood-red in the bathroom. One by one they've been built over, plastered over, painted over, or all three. The last bastion of rag rolling was the sub-dado area in the hall and stairs. Orange and yellow, it was. Now it's only visible as a slight mottling of the first coat of white emulsion in the photo here. The second coat, coming tomorrow, will be enough to see it off for good.

I researched the Feng Shui-ness of these colours. Knowing a little about those previous owners I'm pretty certain the colours were chosen for a reason - along with the copper, gold and bronze paint they used on all the picture rails. Sure enough, they're all "Yang" colours. All associated with vitality, ambition, joy and optimism. Interesting to note during my research that white - now the predominant colour of the hall - is the "colour of ultimate purity." It is, allegedly, "an all around colour of protection, bringing peace and comfort, alleviating emotional shock and despair, helping cleanse emotions, thoughts and spirit."

I think that's a pretty good choice for the first room you enter after an exhausting day at the coalface of life. All we need now is to add in a little gold. Because it is "related to abundance and power, higher ideals, wisdom, understanding" and is "mentally revitalising, energising and inspiring." Just what we need.