We didn't go to the quiz tonight. We'd been invited by one of the girls from the book club and I was up for it initially, but Nikki had had such a shitty day at work and wanted nothing more than to cuddle up and watch telly. I know she wouldn't have minded had I wanted to go on my own, but sometimes it's more important to be together isn't it?
This small vignette into the complex world of relationships made me think about friendship in the large. If you're a regular reader of these pages you'll know I'm lucky to have maintained strong links with friends I made during my schooldays. I'm told it's unusual for a bunch of blokes to stick together the way we have - for over thirty years and through good times and bad. We've seen our mates' partners come and go, but new partners when they've been found have been welcomed into the group, which has continued to play a big part in our lives for all of those thirty years.
I couldn't even tell you what it is that keeps us together. Maybe it's one of those things that it doesn't do to look too closely at. One of us is a staunch (almost rabid) football fan. The subject bores me rigid. We all love music, but our tastes vary greatly (apart from a shared love of Genesis). Our beliefs too are varied. One comes from something approaching a "high church" family, I'm a Spiritualist, the rest are what you might call armchair atheists. We all work in (sometimes only slightly) different jobs. If I had to think of one thing that keeps us together, it's the shared experiences we've had, and continue to have. We were thrown together at a particular time, hung out, and gradually built up that catalogue of memories that now draws us together like the stitches that make up a tapestry.
But it's not always like that. Lest you somehow get the impression that any one of us is something special - some "friendship guru" to whom others flock looking for those elusive connections in their lives - I have to say that I've had times where I've felt I didn't have any friends at all. Two areas where, traditionally, people make good friendships are university and in the workplace.
While I was at UMIST I got to know three distinct bunches of people: those I lived with; those I studied with; and those I hung out with at the Students' Union, principally on the Socials Committee (which I led, as Socials Secretary, for a year). I met almost all the guys I lived with through sharing a floor with them in Owens Park tower. We got on alright, well enough to decide during our second year to share a house. Since leaving Uni almost exactly 30 years ago I've met one of them again, on one occasion in 1984. An awkward occasion it was too, which did nothing except prove the only thing I had in common with them was the fact that we shared the same space. I didn't much enjoy sharing space with them in my second year either. None of them knew how to wash a dish, or cook anything more complicated than bangers and mash.
The story is pretty much the same for the people on my degree course (which I didn't finish). I can hardly remember any of them now and those I can remember I knew from the off I wouldn't want to stay in touch with. Around the Socials Committee it was slightly different, and indeed I did stay in touch with a few of the guys from there - sharing a house with two of them in the first couple of years I worked at ICL, and socialising with another and his wife who stayed in Manchester. But the ties weren't strong enough for the friendships to last more than a few years.
So I think back and try to put my finger on exactly why they were "friends" and I realise they were at best acquaintances, and in reality probably closer to people you spend time with because otherwise you'd be on your own. You forgive their foibles, turn a blind eye to the mess they live in, agree to go to the pub when really you'd rather have a night in, just to be in the company of a few warm bodies and not left alone because you don't really fit in. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. I don't know what "right" means in that context. I know we had some fun times and some laughs. Laughs I wouldn't have had if I hadn't made the conscious decision to join in. We drove a VW microbus to a Genesis concert at Hammersmith Odeon once, which was a great night. We took the same bus to Blackpool for a long weekend and slept in it. That was a good laugh too. There's no doubt I would rather have these memories than not. And there's no doubt I would never have had them if I hadn't decided at the time that their company may not have been "perfect" but it was what was on offer. That probably sounds really pompous, but I'm just trying to be honest. It wasn't really even a conscious decision at the time, but looking back it's obvious that none of them was "my kind of people" but that didn't prevent us all hanging out and having a good time. It just stopped us from having any incentive to keep in touch once we were no longer sharing the same space.
It's a similar story in the workplace. I get on with most of them. They're all decent, regular, "normal" people. In some cases I'll have known them thirty years come January 2008 (I'm starting to get seriously worried by the number of times the phrase "thirty years" crops up in these blogs). In one case I sat next to the same guy for almost 12 years. Worked with him day in, day out on a variety of projects. Travelled abroad on business with him. We shared a joke every day - had a very similar sense of humour - and we got on really well. Then he changed department and went to work in a different building. That was five years ago. I think I've seen him three times since then, and we hardly ever exchange emails.
Was he a friend? I thought so at the time. In fact I thought he was probably one of the few real friends I'd made at work. It's undoubtedly also true that if we found ourselves sharing an office again we'd pick up where we left off. But it's not enough for either of us to make the effort to keep in touch. And I think that's the crucial point. Making the effort - either to spend time with people in the first place, or to stay in touch with them when they move on.
But at least we have the excuse now of being separated by a few tens of miles. There are other cases I could quote where the distance between buildings holding old colleagues is a few tens of yards, yet none of us makes an effort to meet up for lunch, a coffee, or a walk around the car park.
I'll probably come back to that another time, this whole topic actually, cos this is already a bit of a diatribe. And then there's the subject of making new friends, which has happened a lot recently and really reinforces the point about making the effort. Meanwhile, there's a piece of old anonymous Internet lore about friends that come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I've linked one example there, but if you Google "reason season friendship" you'll find hundreds more. Not sure it really illuminates anything except why people move in and out of our lives, and it certainly doesn't answer my initial question.
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There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason why you connect with people that don't seem to be your type on the surface. What makes some people long term friends and others just passing friends? It's all down to chemistry i guess. As you have proven, you can be friends with someone for years and not have a whole lot in common with them. But the thing is, you *like* them. That's the glue. Shared experiences yes, but you had to like them to start off with .
I have a group of friends i met in school that are still friends as well though we don't all get together that often anymore. Everyone has busy lives and careers. Yet when Dad died, almost every one of them came to the funeral that could. Then again, they all knew him and liked him a lot. That's a reason for a blog in and of itself. My parents were ones that all our friends enjoyed being around and my parents liked all our friends, too.
I digress. I've worked with a pretty good group of people for nearly 20 years in some cases. Sometimes we get together outside work, a girls' night out or an after work blow out. But mostly, i don't see workmates on a social basis aside from a small number of the women on occasion.
Only two women that i met at work became friends that i saw outside of work, call on the phone, and even travel with. One passed away this summer but the other is still a good mate. Another woman that came to my workplace as a "work experience" short term became one of my best friends. that's mainly because she was the one that kept in touch with me after she left. She drew me into her life which she does with people she likes. I stayed and i'm quite glad i did.
I spent two years in college with a small group of students. We hung out outside of school and all got along great. Yet i've never ever kept in touch with them. A few people that lived in my neighbourhood when i lived on a military base stayed friends for awhile after i left, but they too drifted out of my life.
I don't think there are any answers as to why some friends stick and why some just pass through. I'm very glad for the friends i have made over the years from various sources that have endured. They're the ones that matter the most.
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