Sunday, September 11, 2011

Corporate bollockspeak

A quiet week on the kitchen front (silent, actually), so I thought I'd share some examples of talking bollocks that I found buried in a comments thread on one of the sites I read regularly.

Phrases that those attempting to climb the greasy pole litter their conversations with, in an attempt to sound knowledgeable, when in fact all they achieve is a demonstration of their scroteworthiness.

"Quantum leap"
Bandied about to mean a fundamental, radical change, but in reality an inconceivably small distance.

"Critical mass"
Clever manager types use this to mean the gathering together of sufficient resources (er, people) to complete a task in the optimum time. It's original meaning is the minimum quantity of something that is guaranteed to make it fly apart catastrophically.

All for now. Feel free to contribute.

6 comments:

Don said...

Here's one that I've learned about in the last while: "Team Player".
As far as I can tell, it's when you go all out for the company, putting in more time than you have to, and showing you really care about your customers, only to get docked wages when you are really, really sick and have to take a day off.
Still, I suppose it's good to be called that for a few seconds.

Don said...

Sorry. Did I sound bitter?
Actually, your new floor sounds like an employer I would seek out at this point.

Digger said...

I know what you're saying about the flooring guy. Don't know how much he makes, but that's not really the point. A nice, steady job. Not too taxing either physically or mentally, but each job providing just enough of a challenge about how you cut around this doorway or that fireplace, the therapeutic ritual laying of board after board, cutting, tapping, nailing. All very rhythmic while providing good aerobic exercise. And the satisfaction of the final product looking so good.

Downsides: working on your own, and exclusively indoors. Oh, pretty much the way things are now then, for me. O_O

Tvor said...

I hate the verbs that weren't meant to be such, like "actioning",

Don said...

No. Your floor itself as an employer. That's what I mean. I'm that fed up with this bullshit.
Damn it, I'm over 60 and still putting up with it.

Don said...

Downsizing is now "rightsizing". I know all the jargon. Seems like it's all an excuse to treat the hired help like they're not important, and just in the way, an impediment to profits.
"You have to increase the altitude of your attitude". I've heard them all, trust me.
Let's all be American (USA). Let's forget all about the common man, his wants and needs. Weekends? Cancelled. Sunday? Just another day to make money.
What are we becoming?
Am I becoming a bitter old fart? Point me in the direction of the porch with the swing on it, and hand me a beer.