Pissing in the wind

The radio this morning had an article about teenage drinking that contained some alarming statistics. For the first time (I guess since they started doing surveys of this kind) more 11-13 year olds have drunk alcohol than haven't. In other words more than half have. So what? you might think, having in mind an idyllic scene of a family dinner at a large table on a tree-lined patio, the summer sun beating down as everyone takes genteel sips from their wine glasses. But such contintental scenes are, sadly, restricted to...err...the continent. We do it differently here. These teens and pre-teens are more likely to be seen falling around drunkenly in the park, the playing field, or whatever passes for a disco these days.

They interviewed a 13-year-old girl and asked her what she usually drank. WKD and Lambrini was the answer. They had to explain what that was for the Radio 4 audience (which made me feel quite street) and then asked her why that was her tipple of choice. "Because it tastes like pop," came the entirely unsurprising answer.

Then we were treated to a government spokesman wringing his hands and wailing about the problem of underage drinking, and drinking in general, and proudly announcing new powers for the police to be able to confiscate drink from anyone underage found boozing in the street.

Excuse me?

Is that really the best they can do? Hello? Horse. Bolted. This from a government that's been in power for more than 10 years, introduced the law that allows 24-hour drinking, and has presided over an ever-increasing thrusting of alcohol at all members of society through as many outlets as possible. Yes, you have to apply for a licence, but alcohol is now available everywhere. Last year I bemoaned the neanderthals who can't visit a concert without walking in carrying a beer bottle in each hand and proceed to interrupt the performance every five minutes to either replenish their supplies or make room for more. But it's not just concerts. An increasing number of people seem incapable of enjoying themselves without alcohol no matter what they're doing. And pint-for-pint in real terms, with two-for-one offers on already slashed prices, booze in all forms has never been cheaper.

So on the one hand, they cry and wail about how much everyone is drinking, and on the other hand they cry and wail about how pubs are going out of business and we're losing our traditional social fabric. The short-sightedness of this beggars belief. What do they expect? Even the booze-sodden masses can work out that it's cheaper and more convenient to buy a six-pack in Tesco's and consume it in the comfort of their own home rather than drive to a pub, pay over the odds, and then not be able to drive home for fear of losing their licence.

They (government and social commentators) bang on about how lovely it would be if we could adopt the European attitude to drink and just take it socially (and slowly!) rather than pouring it down our necks until we're no longer conscious, but in doing so they fail to mention that this is the Southern European way. Look at the history of northern Europe - Norsemen, Vikings, Saxons, whatever - and you'll find a much more accurate model for today's drinkers.

The solution to this is a lot more complex than our pathetic government (of any flavour) would have the stomach for. The problem has grown up over many years and needs as many to solve it, and turn the tide of public opinion away from reliance on ubiquitous inebriation. But there's one thing they could do that I believe would be more effective than anything else in protecting under-age drinkers and young people. Ban alcopops. The girl in the interview is an archetype. She only drinks it because it tastes like pop. Remove that option and you remove the attraction at a stroke for thousands of young people. It remains to be seen whether this morally bankrupt government would have the strength to make such a move in the face of the inevitable outcry from the industry, for whom alcopops are the 21st century equivalent of the golden goose.